Something's cooking

I have tried to write a descent blog for days and I am not getting anywhere. I keep moving into my teacher voice, "Let me tell you what the world is really all about." I hate that voice. There is no softness to it. How can I know everything and leave room for you to be who you are at the same time? I can't.

That is my edge. When I am so busy being wonder woman, there is no room for any other super heroes in my life. Ironically, the only reason I try so hard is so that I will have the acceptance and love, the affirmation that I am good enough.

I know that people like it when you ask them for help, because then they feel important. We all want that affirmation that our life is important, meaningful. Maybe today I will focus not on being important, rather on just being open to people and letting them be meaningful.

Just the being.

Thank you for making me stronger, wiser.

The late afternoon rays of sun emanate light in an endless blue sky. I stared into the sky with wonder at the vast expanse and changing light of the red rocks surrounding me.
'How do I make every moment like this one, so peaceful and content; alone and yet not feeling alone?' I wondered.
As if my thoughts were carried on the air, a gentle breeze touched my skin and I knew. It is not about getting somewhere, it is the being where you are that gives this feeling. Being where you are with utter pleasure and happiness to just be there. Not running from this moment into the next. Not looking for something different.
'Why didn't I get this before?' I was too busy running into the future I wanted.

It is 16 years later and this memory echos in my mind. The vibration shaking me awake. Slow down. No, things don't need to be slower. I just need to be present in this moment, not looking for the next joy, outcome, goal...

How do I create the life I desire and not look forward to it at the same time. How do I discipline my thoughts to stay present and keep my heart open to my desires?

When I had projects, I would learn the moves, figuring out what my body had to do to stay in balance and move up the rock. Whatever worked, sometimes even what initially did not seem to make sense, in the end was the key to balance. The day I knew I was ready to complete the project, I would sit at the base and say, 'Today I will try 10 times, then I am going to get you to take weight for me and do another 10 tries. I can always come back next Monday.'

In this process, I very consciously let the weight of completing the project go. I would release my expectations for success. I became focused on the moves, positive as the process unfolded. I tried hard. I had faith that one day it would happen.

Today I will let go of the weight of my desires, I will let go of the weight of my past disappointments, knowing that those events are a part of the process that had to happen to place me here. I will know this is where I need to be now. If I fail today, I can always try again tomorrow. I will faithfully believe in myself even if who I become is not what I expect.

Perfection in a Pose

Standing in the shower with hot water running over me, I was thinking of the day ahead. The Yoga class to teach, the mentoring before me. I was thinking of my own intensity I bring to things... wanting challenging people toward growth, change. It is not always welcome. It is when I bring forth the softer side of ease and nurture that I find my will is more successful.

Then I knew my message. The perfection of a pose is not how deeply one can achieve the pose. Perfection in a pose is the place where I apply effort to opening and deepening and yet I can stay, I can feel a sense of ease or repose. Perhaps, better put, I can challenge myself, applying effort and yet there is a quality, a Bhavana of love for myself, care and respect for my physical state. There is a nurturing quality to my own effort. I move in with my breath guiding me. The discomfort is stroked and softened with my awareness.

Off the mat -- my relationships should be tended to in kind. Applying my attention to my efforts and holding all of it in the warm blanket of love, softly and with absolute reverence.

What is fair?

Life seems to throw us for a spin every once in a while. We get dumped, we fail an exam we studied really hard for, the fridge dies or worse. Some people lose loved ones or their own health. It just doesn't seem fair.

So why does it happen?
After the trials I have faced, I go back to the only thing I can put faith in. My mother taught me from the time I was little that God only gives you what you can handle. As Mother Teresa said, I wish God did not think I could handle so much.

The next thing, because that sense of helpless resignation does not suit my fiery intense personality, is to ask what am I supposed to learn from this?

With recent life events I am learning, keep faith in what you offer, not how it is received. Persist until you succeed, bearing in mind success might not look like what you expected. Finally all that really matters is to fill my heart with love. Love for all that is for there is no greater teacher than to be able to stay open to life experience.

I hear the sound of the clock, I see the beautiful sun, I feel my son's attention to his game, I sense my dogs joy at galavanting around. I feel my own body's health and vitality with a tremor of angst about the changes around the house. Just holding it all in awareness, emotion, story and me.

Then it hit me!

I asked....

What do I want that badly that I would suffer the split tips, the cold and the thousands of failures for?

I answered...
Loving and nurturing my son. Loving and nurturing others. Seeing the potential in others and helping them figure out how to shine. I would suffer all of that pain and discomfort if I could just do that. Helping people believe in themselves.

Then I realized...
The split tips is my own broken heart, the cold is the time feeling so alone and disconnected, the thousands of failures are all the many little rejections, resistance and betrayals.

The knowing...
Offering without expectation is the only way to true happiness and fulfillment. To do that, I must truly believe in what I offer, regardless of how it is received. I must truly believe in me.

What a beautiful approach to practice... Namaste

In the shadow

Tonight, I went to the Reel Rock films. I saw these people I know in films about pushing the next level. My palms were sweaty watching Chris reach for the next hold, my abds tightening for him. I've been there.

Then shot widens and you see the belayer, in this case the girlfriend. She is just holding the rope. I've been there. Hours of belaying so the person you love, the person who gets so much more recognition for this than you, can do their thing. And all you want is their success.
Who is this person willing to fore go their own desire for Chris?
I am curious.
Why did I do it?
Because he wanted it so badly and I believed in him so much, especially when he didn't believe in himself.

Can I believe in me that much?
Can I offer me that much?
Do I have a desire that great for myself?
Can I want that much success for myself?
What do I want that badly that I would suffer the split tips, the cold and the thousands of failures for?

Loving and nurturing my son. Loving and nurturing others. Seeing the potential in others and helping them figure out how to shine. I would suffer all of that pain and discomfort if I could just do that. Helping people believe in themselves.