Layers upon layers

What started as a simple call turned into a dark drama.
Anger tore through me. "How dare he! This is not right!" Fortunately, alone, I just let this dialogue of my mind swirl.
Then another layer of mind interferes. "But wait, don't I believe that I am not these thoughts?"
Deeper still, the thought arises, "I remember this feeling. This is just like when that person behaved this same way." A feeling of being out of control erupted.
There was some deeper layer holding me back from fully giving in to this. There was some layer of curiosity about what was true.
Then from my heart sprung the words - "This is fear."
In that moment of recognition the emotion transformed from intense anger and confusion to fear and sadness.
I could still sense a subtle exploration for a truth. Then a thought whispered, "What someone else does isn't about you. It's about them and their own pain."
In an instant I could see how I has been set up. I could see my own momentum that carried me into this. A dry quick meal, eaten in stages. A glass of wine drunk with the goal of relaxing, all the while continually moving. Waiting and rushing at the same time all day. No time for just sitting and connecting to my soul, the essence of that little girl in the picture my big sister Cathy had posted, holding her sisters hand and blocking sunshine from her eyes.
I could see I was reacting to a litany of memories that triggered these negative feelings which I attributed to defence about some lacking within me.
Even with this recognition the powerful habitual thinking that was taking me on this roller coaster ride was reminding me, "If you just committed to more practice. You should meditate more. You should do more asana practice." And there it was again, that habitual quiet voice critiquing me at every opportunity.

This time I smiled. I turned away from the story of memories, the thinking part that was trying to figure it out and the sensory stimuli that was still living in that past moment that had started this ride. I turned toward my own essence. I looked for that little girl within me. I looked for the force of life that draws breath into my body. My body softened. My face relaxed and I could feel a smooth softer breath come into my body.
"None of this is about me," she said.

The whole event was story steeped in memories of emotional response, that wrote a story about the event and who this Heather is to the rest of the world. And there backstage is this Divine little girl, quietly waiting her turn.

Confusion

In Yoga - family means the people you live with. The people in your life on an immediate basis. Sometimes I feel my family is very small. I am very alone. I am a parent raising a child on my own and I guess everyone sees me as so capable they do not realize I really feel overwhelmed with what I am doing. To 'do' parenting and my job, I have stopped taking time to just be. My Yoga Intensives are trips back to just being me.

Maybe it has nothing to do with being a single parent. Maybe most people feel this way. Maybe most folks are so busy doing, they cannot imagine just sitting and being. As I worry over who may help me with dog sitting, and if only it could not cost a lot, I realize for anyone else it would just be one more 'doing' taking them away from their own being.

If I could just remember that being is what it is really all about all the time, especially when I am thinking about the desire for more charms on my bracelet, or even one more Yoga Intensive. If I could also just remember not to take a 'no' personally. It's only about me, when I am rejecting myself.

The fear of someone saying no or the expense of dog sitting is me rejecting my own resourcefulness. I have never yet had to cancel a trip because I did not have a dog sitter. I have never yet gone hungry. And that says a lot coming from a chick who left NS in a truck with her boyfriend 11 yrs younger than herself, with a cracked head gasket driving to Colorado in winter with credit card debt, student loans, $200 cash, 2 boxes of Power Bars and a dream.

I believed in a dream, a partnership and OUR potential. Clearly he is my ex because I need to believe in MY potential.

Honoring the Divine within

As I prepare for this trip to Mexico, I am reading Kundalini Anghora. The point is to prepare oneself for the awakening of Kundalini. This involves purification practices, many of which have me with a furrowed brow and saying, "really? Maybe I don't want my kundalini awakened."

Then there are the parts that are so very real and sound of truth to me. "The point of Yoga is to make every home a happy home." The guidance that seems quite relevant and attainable, is the thought of practicing one Niyama. A Niyama is a quality you wish to cultivate, such as faith, humility, honesty, spiritual study, equanimity. As I considered these options, I realized how much of my life is spent feeling envy of others. I envy my friends in loving relationships. I envy my ex-husband and his life of leisure. I envy others their fields of work. Envy blagues me on a regular basis. And when the seed of envy is watered, I become very unsteady. I strive for more, better and change. I no longer value and appreciate what is all around me, I begin to resist my life and live somewhere in the future where I imagine it will be better.

Stepping back and looking with appreciation at all that exists in my life is a helpful step toward coming back into balance. Seeing the landscape before me, I begin to embrace where I am. And yet with this reading I am also so very aware that the real intention of this practice is to be attached to none of it - the blessings or the displeasures. The intention of this practice is to simply offer one's self with no measure, no judgment. To be motivated from with in to express oneself fully, rather than being motivated from with out.

Seems I am still in the early stages. Whew, takes the pressure off. ;)