Truth

Being responsible, disciplined and honest... these are the things I value. Or so I thought. I was raised to 'do', to take care of, to be responsible. And so I have done, for years, that which I believed is expected of me. I have not always said what I wanted or what I was willing to do. And in a swift moment I realized that perhaps I was not as honest or responsible as I thought.

Doing what I believed is expected of me is not responsible if it is not something I want to do. Not saying what I am willing and not willing to do is also not honest.

To be responsible, I must choose based on what I want and believe in, on what I value. To be honest, I must live from the place of acknowledging and honouring my desires. Sometimes, doing what others want will be what I want and sometimes being silent about my needs or desires will be what I want or need. But this is the secret to authenticity and fearlessness. And real love for ones Self.

Worth it

So busy getting things done. Arrived at lacrosse late. We lost the game by a whooping 11-3. Arriving home, the package Fynn was expecting hadn't arrived. There is so much more still to do tomorrow.

Checked out the news and the story about Oprah's show. Watched an amazing video of a woman dying of cancer who video tapes messages for her daughter.
And I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself! I am not sick, I have years of life as far as I know with my son. A bright future, a beautiful home. I do not have problems. It seemed selfish to think I did.

Then I realized everyones problem feels just as big to them and we all to some degree feel that pain at one point or another in our lives.
No, the tantra approach is that you acknowledge your desires and pursue them. Not acknowledging or pursuing your dreams is telling yourself you are not worth it.
I am worth it.

Wonder

This morning I lay in bed and thinking, thinking. I was going through a litany of what was wrong and a passage I quickly skimmed in the Oprah magazine came to me. Oprah said that one of her favourite moments hosting her show occurred in seeing the face of a woman who had been mourning the death of her daughter for ten years when she absorbed Dr. Phil's comment, "So you have spent 10 years mourning the death of one day, rather than celebrating the 18 years of your daughters life." (paraphrase).

I asked myself, what am I mourning? And what could I be celebrating?

There is so much to celebrate, starting with the very breath that I breathe in. This well performing and mobile body I have and all this love around me. I am surrounded by beautiful trees, grass, the warmth of my home, or today a friend's home, I have plenty to eat and love all around. There is beauty in just this and yet, so often I awake thinking of some worry or resistance. Seems such a waste in the light of so much wonder.

Have a beautiful day!

Rolling right along

Today I reflected on words I heard recently; "There is never enough time." I have felt it myself. Today I managed to pick up my son only 50 min late and we will be out the door in 15 min after munching on warmed up pizza and tomato and cheese sandwiches. Is it any wonder I feel like I am accomplishing nothing. I haven't finished - at least not as well as I would like 3 projects at work. I promised myself I would prioritize which house project I would work on by actually costing out the three different options... nope haven't done that either. This blog is my candy, my free time, and even with this I will wish I spent more time writing it better.

Yoga has taught me to be a researcher, examining how I respond and feel about the things that are happening all the time, these little things. I ask why I feel unhappy about not completing a project to my own expectations all the time. Is that my ego, my perfectionist? Or is it because I truly desire to present myself 100% in everything I do all the time? It's a good question. Satisfying my ego will last for only a brief moment in a brief encounter. Satisfying my heart, expressing myself with complete honesty and truth is my soul.

So it is not about perfect outcomes, results. It is about whether I feel I have offered the best I have with what I've got (fatigue and all). Opening up to the full potential of myself or feeling limited. Ahhhh... as I write this I felt a few limiting thoughts creep in... time to examine them or maybe just sit in the stillness of my own self.