Miss Fix it

The busy-ness of camps has begun. Trying to coordinate the unknown is the order of the day. People do not seem to want the place you have space, rather only the places you don't. Employees want the best of the work and not necessarily the worst. The joy in all of this chaos is in the beautiful little faces that come your way and ask, "can I please have a badge with Rock Court on it?"

There is such hope in the request and such a desire to be a part of something bigger than they see themselves. It is so beautiful. A soul expressing itself.

I am no different in my desire to coordinate these many souls into the experiences I can create. The souls I am negotiating with are no different; all wanting to be a part of something bigger.

My desire to be helpful, to solve, to fix for people, to figure it out is innate and has been with me since I was a little girl rescuing stray cats and dogs and taking apart the television to see how it worked... much to the dismay of my parents. So when presented with the souls that are well cloaked by the ego, or the "I amness," of another demanding my energy, I will practice keeping my soul's desire to 'fix it' balanced with a desire to 'fix it' for myself and perhaps from there I can feel the joy in the challenge.

Letting go continuously

This morning I opened one of my favourite books and I read, "When we feel nurtured, it is easy to nurture others...... Not paying attention to our own needs causes them to borrow and hide deep within our hearts."

As I reflected on this, I believe it to also mean when we feel love, it is easy to love others and when we feel rejected, it is easy to reject. The rejection really being a rejection, not of the other person, but rather of the possible love and faith in our own heart.

My teacher once said, "You don't forgive someone, you practice loving them. And maybe forgiveness happens." I truly believe this to be true. It is our own turning away from love that allows the negativity to come upon ourselves.

The letting go, then is not relevant to the circumstance. The letting go then is of the walls to protect the heart, letting go of the sense that whatever is happening has anything to really do with me. Nurturing myself begins with coming back to that feeling of love... opening the heart in every possible moment.

Choosing enjoyment

Within the body there is a system called the Autonomic Nervous System. This is the system which "acts as a control system functioning largely below the level of consciousness." This is what makes the eyes blink, the heart beat and perspiration cool the skin, among other things. The Yogis have shown that this system can be brought to the conscious level. We can learn to control the beat of the heart, the temperature of the body. It takes awareness and practice.

So too.... we can control so many of the things we believe are beyond our control. We say we cannot control the weather. Is that true? Seems to me there is a lot of discussion around global warming which we as humans have an impact on. On a much more immediate level, we can also control our experience of the weather. I can choose to take an umbrella or where rain pants and jacket when it is raining, or not. I can choose whether I go out into the elements or not. I can choose to be grateful for the rain if I consider the potential drought and lack of food without rain. So why do I choose to resent the weather when it is not what I want it to be?

This too takes practice. Today as I went to meditate, I went to 'do' my practice. I was choosing to sit, but not from a place of intending to enjoy it or see value, rather from a place of obligation and discipline. As this awareness of my choice toward obligation rather than enjoyment grew, I decided to enjoy. I decided to be there only if I really choose to be.

It was nice.

A smile goes a long way.

As I littered around this evening, I recognized the mind creating an argument for self care,self love and all the while the body tense, the face firm, the mind tight. Seems the real argument is to model softness and a smile.

The power to thrive

"The more we understand this idea that the more I thrive, the more I fulfill my unique destiny that is consistent with the greater purpose of life itself, the more my thriving serves the worlds thriving." ~ Rod Stryker

I believe this teacher came to me on the heels of my separation because I habitually react to the things I believed were expected of me, rather than moving in the direction of my own passion, my own inherent needs.

If my soul were to truly speak its truth, today it would smile a thousand times at people I know and people I don't. Today it would stay grounded in the belief that what I want is okay too and I would not be afraid if it displeased someone. Today I would do everything as an expression of the pure pleasure of doing it.

It is so habitual to just keep thinking. Stillness opens us up to the heart and feeling. Today, I will move with stillness - to the best of my ability anyway. I have also been cautioned that taking things too seriously is not helpful either and I have a great tendency to do that in my efforts to change the world.

Since the beginning

I am sometimes confused about how long ago it started that Fynn had to leave me to be with his Dad, but this time, something has stood out; I recognized the same pattern that emerges every time. Yes, I always get a little on edge or excited some might say, a little more intense, but this time I heard the self talk that breeds that intensity.

It begins with, 'I need to lose weight.' yes, I harken back to the early University days of anorexia. I become very dissatisfied with my appearance; it calls for coloring my hair or cutting it, doing my brows, you get the picture. The evidence of how much I need to change with myself continues to grow. I need to drink less wine, exercise more, get a better job, write my blog, clean my housemate do the weeding and mowing... And so on.

I see the link now between feeling the loss of my son, my connection to him disrupted, and self rejection. If nothing else, it has made me stand back and question those ideas I just took for granted were true. Maybe I don't need to loose weight, maybe the lawn is ok and perhaps it's alright to just focus on the possibilities of this moment.

Shifting Awareness

I opened my iPad at 4 am and began to write. I recognized that perspective is all about the starting point and it seems with us humans, most always start from the place of being in a drama rather than a comedy. I started from the place of drama - look at all the stuff I have to do and worry about! But nothing I was doing at 3 am was going to affect those conditions so why worry about it?!?

What if I chose comedy? It is really quite comical to be unhappy about killing ants in the kitchen. Yes all life is sacred and these ants do not distinguish between my kitchen or their kitchen, they are just ants. And they are pretty funny to watch.

I could chose curiosity and ask myself what was the driving force behind agreeing to take my son to a lacrosse tournament in St John the day before he and I fly to Europe?

I could choose gratitude for all the conditions of my life that seem to attract my energy - work and the great amount of energy that it draws on to support all these summer campers, their parents, the instructors and the organization itself. I get paid to help people have fun while being in nature and moving! Very lucky indeed.

If these are all possible, why do I instinctively move to drama - despair, feeling overwhelmed? Fear? Seems my own ego self importance thinks it is all about me. How will anything happen properly without me?

Looks like I interrupted the story somewhere along the line and chose curiosity. And a little distraction - I went online and booked myself in Fulfillment with my teacher.