It's a new day

The summer is in full swing and continuous change. The end of another week of camps, the end of my summer with Fynn as he is off with his Dad. The end of a four week program. The end of daily visits from some very special little people who I will miss.
Each ending creates a new beginning. What will this next week of campers bring, what will this time with Fynn away bring. The first thing... Time for me to focus on nurturing me.
I've a good book, a comfy bed, a rainy day and lots that could get done, or could wait. Maybe just for today I will let go of my responsibilities and just be indulgent.

Maybe I will just reflect on all I have to be grateful for and dream about all my potential. Dream of all the potential of those I love. Empower myself for my tomorrow.

Courage

As I puttered and toiled this weekend, I listened to an audiobook and the message that continued to turn up was that the purpose of my life is to allow my soul to express itself to it's fullest.... the question was what was this expression struggling to get out? Fortunately, the book came with an activity. All that was required was to finish some sentences with the first things to crop up. I finished the statement, "I love...." I love to nurture and support, teach, encourage, show others their potential. And the statement, "I am...." I am kind, generous, curious, analytical, insightful and creative. Followed by "I would like to have..." more patience, acceptance, letting go. Finally... "The purpose of my life is..."

I know that if I has endless resources, I would still want to try to show people how amazing their own potential is and all that they are capable of. But MY purpose is really about my own growth and expression. I recall fondly recall launching onto the lake with my homemade raft when I was 7 years old, and the excitement and purpose I felt when I left NS and went on a road trip that turned into 5 years of travel, climbing, teaching, a book and incredible adventures. Being a mom gives me that same sensation; you just never know what is next.

So seems like the purpose of my life to be an intrepid explorer, always expanding my world by moving in new directions and never settling into one spot too long.

The book, "The Purpose of Your Life," Carol Adrienne

It's really not about me.

Yesterday I wanted to throw my hands up in the air. It seems that there are so many messages coming my way and to live by them, I need to get really uncomfortable. I don't want to get uncomfortable. I feel I deserve a little security and safety. But even as I say that, I know there is no such thing. We cannot ever protect ourselves from pain and suffering for they are our own creation, the result of resisting what is true. It is not the events of our lives that make us angry, upset or sad; it is our thinking that it should not have happened.

It is not my mom's illness that is making me upset. It is my desire for her not to be ill. My fear of life without my mom in it. I count on my strong and nurturing mom. Who will love me like that if my mom dies?
This is where faith comes in... faith is believing that whatever happens is what should happen.

Yep, my suffering is me making it all about me. And it really is not about me at all. How on earth could I know what should happen next?!? I only know what I want to happen and what I don't want to happen. Me Me Me.

Divine shakti

This week there was the love and joy of being a mother and yogi. This identity intruded upon by my responsibilities to the 10 instructors I guide, the 50 children they teach, the office mates who support and request things from me, the regular climbers using the gym, the parents of these kids, the social workers, the Spell Read folks we are coordinating it all with and next weeks crowd wanting changes, new potential folks in camps later this summer, the bus company who transports these folks to outdoor sites. The energy in thinking of my 'to do's' around the house, at work, for my health.

All of these forces drawing on me for guidance or information, support. And there are the few who give it back... the child who will sit still with me for a moment and tell me about his/her success. The child who runs to me to say "watch me!" The parent who tells me the kids are having an amazing time. My son who follows me through all of this, helping where he can, sometimes mothering me. The pay check which enables the home, the car, the food.

Life seems to be an exchange of energy out toward others and receiving back in. I have noticed in my practice lately, just a sitting and receiving. It is lovely. More interestingly I have noticed how much energy just goes toward the things that draw energy away and how little attention is paid to the energy in, unless it is first judged as positive. Even in the exchange of someone pouring their troubles on me, I could see their trust in me, their openness toward me, their sense that I would listen. That is an offering of one's energy too. The person who complain's, looking to find support from me... seeing me as a potential ally, also believing in my strength and openness.

Perhaps this is the real key to happiness; being able to receive even from the child with defiant eyes, telling you they just want to go home. Finding the Divine shakti in all of it.

Duty

My duty these days seems to be juggling the many desires of many people around the months of July and August. People who want to work, people who don't. Kids who want to climb and kids who don't. Parents who want to pay and those who don't. Youth who want to help and those who don't. Yesterday I struggled all day with trying to feel compassion, to create space for their stories. Perhaps not very successfully. Perhaps I should feel honoured they want to share their story, they feel they can explain themselves to me. Perhaps it means they feel supported and accepted by me; they feel I am a compassionate person.

Is that my soul's desire to run around fixing things; coordinating things? I certainly feel unhappy when I can't. As a kid, I always wanted to take things apart to see how they worked and 'fix' them when they didn't. I always wanted to build rafts and set sail on the lake to explore the other side. My sister and I wanted bunk beds so I made them with the tools and wood we found at home. I took apart the TV when the reception wasn't great - to see if I could fix it. I took apart Mrs. Beazley to see what made her talk.

So perhaps not to fix things, rather to understand how things work and use that knowledge to launch myself in some new adventure or direction. It explains the continual remodelling and furniture building I do at home. So this time at work, trying to coordinate the chaos is not really my duty. Unless... I can find a new way to understand those instructors in my care and use that understanding to get them working better together and with the youth.

Today I will say what I need. I will ask each of them to say what they need to the person they are working with and to me. Then maybe I will better understand who should work with whom and which youth.

Big picture

I am watching the spinning kids, the throwing and chasing of balls and the crushing of bodies on the floor. This is lacrosse. The original intention of this game was to resolve disputes between native tribes. The spirit then is to bring opposing teams together and resolve disputes... and yet when the skills of the game are not mastered, the hitting and slashing gets harder and more frequent.

Step outside the arena and see these same youth without pads and helmets, tossing the ball, playing tricks with their sticks and reliving their memorable moments of glory and challenge in the game. There is a connection to something bigger - the game - and how they challenge and master themselves within it.

It is the connection to something bigger that helps them to connect to each other. Every player wants to win. Every player takes the hits and runs the floor, tosses and shoots, in this way they are all the same. The game is a vehicle of experience that lets them see their own skill, strength, agility and speed AND in feeling that power, they can open to the others who share that experience.

This is the value of sport, recreation, so often missed when the focus is the score and not the experience. This is the value we could glean from work too when the bottom line becomes more important than how we play and when we can't see ourselves on the same team. It is when we see ourselves as separate the slashing and the checking begins.
If we placed more value on the experiences of our lives rather than our power, our wealth, our self importance, I wonder too if the world would resolve it's disputes and put an end to the slashing and checking. It's subtle isn't it; it's the focus on how well we are playing, not whether we are winning or losing.