Sometimes meditating just sucks. Today was one of those days. So I am doing what a good ParaYogi would do and conducted a little vichara. Pretty simple; just trying to figure out what the root cause of the thoughts that keep interrupting the meditation. And it is not surprising to discover they link back to fear that I am not loved. Seems crazy to believe this when my social calendar is full with visits from friends I have known for years and weekend is packed with family. And when I move even slightly my dog Bella comes looking for my attention.
I am loved and I know it. BUT I am not loved on my terms. That is the root cause of the suffering. I want people around me when I want them and how I want them. I want my son home with me now and not away with his Dad for most of the summer. I want Bella to love me and lay down quietly while I read a book, not pressure me to throw her ball around.
So clear. And now the next step. Acceptance. Just working on the idea of not resisting that this is the way Bella loves and the way my son loves and the way all the people in my life express their love... doing what they love, being who they really are. I bet I'm probably pretty hard to love sometimes too. ;)
