What the hell is self care?

You hear it all the time in the yoga world. When you are in the fire of transformation, self care is essential. I just read an article that when dating, we often are dealing with deep seated beliefs that head us off in the wrong relationships. The answer, self care, self love and appreciation.
What the hell does that mean?
Right diet? Well if you are an eating disorder survivor like me, having the discipline to even pay attention can be hard. And not beating yourself up when you haven't is even harder.
Is it a massage, pedicure, new clothes? If you are in the midst of financial insecurity, how do you afford it?
Perhaps it is Self with the capital S? Sitting on your cushion often feels more like torture than self care.
Is it connecting with others? How do you do that when you feel so disconnected?

I can tell you that self care for me means getting out in nature with my dogs who love a good romp in the woods. It means going to a climbing gym and talking to a stranger, offering them help sequence a route.
Sometimes it is actually teaching my yoga class with a real intention to serve them.

For me, self care is not something I do for me... it is something I do for someone else.

Freeing the soul

The path of the masculine is purpose. It is the path of strength, provider, the warrior, to act.
The path of the mother, feminine is to nurture, to be receptive, to hold power.
The male would keep people safe by holding back the enemies; the mother makes them feel safe by holding their fears.
As I navigate this year of empty nesting, I have struggled with the warrior and the mother within me.
Protect who? Nurture who?
In the emptiness, I have stepped into the more comfortable energies, the masculine.
Be strong, act courageously. Persevere.
The feminine has been left in the darkness, waiting, longing for someone to nurture.
It is this longing has created feelings of being unsettled.
It is time to let her be free.

Being in the Right Company

In the company of the right people, in the seat of love, one feels and believes anything is possible. In the company of the wrong people, in the grip of fear, one believes it is not possible.
This pretty much sums up my climbing life.
Climbers look at a line, a piece of rock and say, sure I can find way up this. And then they just keep trying despite all the evidence to the contrary. Hundreds of failed attempts.
Then one person would figure it out and do the one move that seemed impossible.
Then one by one, everyone would do it too.

What is the one thing you think is impossible?
Find the people doing it and find a way to be with them.

Taking the leap

These past few months have been unsettled.
My life has been changed, leaving so many things unsettled.
In turn, my heart has been unsettled and my mind has been unsettled.
I recognize the presence of anxiety, sadness, and anger.
The root of all three - FEAR
"There is only fear and love, choose love." - Marianne Williamson

Joy

This morning I learned through my FB feed that Dean Potter had died. He died in the way that everyone would have predicted. He hit the ground after a jump. His parachute did not open. I read through the many comments remembering him as an amazing inspiration.

There was a part of me the was frustrated and angry. A part of me wanted to shout... 'he threw away his life. He wasn't a hero. He made heroism out of needlessly risking his life!"

I went off on some other internet escapism about buddhist characteristics and there in the page was a Dean Potter interview, bringing me back. He was sitting with his then girlfriend and fellow climbing and base jumping partner, Steph Davis. This led me to her Ted Boulder talk on Flying Again.

SIGH

The more I pondered these justifications for living so much on the edge being the seat of joy, the more I considered my own life in the light of this idea. I had lived on the edge. I had lived in a car for almost five years with a net worth of $1000 thanks to my sponsors who gave me climbing equipment. I had moments of not having money for food and yet choosing climbing still. And I had so much freedom. I loved teaching people. I loved being free to choose to go climbing or to write another article or to work with a client. I loved and even now long for the freedom in such a simple life.

As I prepared to go to a family celebration I realized something. My anger, frustration was really a projection of what was tearing me up. I resented the part of my life that was dictated by my sense of responsibility to people, to work, to activities that did not bring my that joy. I was doing those things out of a sense of obligation and in doing them I felt very little joy, in fact it was the birth place of resentment.

I am the one rejecting the possibility of living life on my terms. I do not believe that I can just leave it all and find people who will want to learn from me. I do not believe this old body can get back into shape and learn even more about how it all works. I am the one holding me back - UNINSPIRING ME!

Time to change.

Call to Action

Last night, I was asked to write my "call to action." What would I say to someone about what I have to offer them that is of value.

My response,I get people out of their minds and into their bodies. I offer tools to help people find clarity and deeper understanding. I support them to move past resistance and realize their potential.

This morning as I reflected on the call and the sharing, I heard a voice in my head say, "Yes, but people don't value that. People like being safe and comfortable and don't worry about potential until they have hit rock bottom."

WOW! This of course is exactly how I have reacted to reaching my own potential. I keep resenting and resisting that life isn't comfortable and safe. I am longing for the job with security and yet resented the tying down of my soul's desire when I had such a job.

I once heard Eve Ensler on a TED talk and her words rocked me. "When you give away what you long for the most, you heal that part of yourself." Guess I better add a little juice behind that word "support". Inspired... maybe.

Mother = Love Unconditionally

Mother's Day is just ahead.
Being a mother has been one of the greatest gifts of this life. My son was born in 2001 and just weeks before September 11th. In the days that followed, I considered the pain of mothers who lost sons and daughters and the pain for a mother who bore a child who would kill.

Looking into the eyes of my beautiful son, I could not imagine not loving him, even if he were to do such a horrible thing.

I looked around me and wondered who else I had that unconditional love for and why was it so few people.

Ever since that day, I move through my life looking at the places I find it hard to keep love alive. Sometimes, that is just looking in the mirror.

Mirrors of Light

Beautiful people smile at you and let you see the possible within yourself.